When Winning Is Losing: How Pride Destroys Relationships
I like to win. Maybe you do too. Whether it’s a friendly debate, a workplace discussion, or an argument at home, something inside us wants to come out on top. But what if the very thing we call "winning" is actually making us lose?
For years in my marriage, I thought winning meant standing my ground, proving my point, and making sure I didn’t back down first. My wife was similar to me. We both like to win. It made for some electric discussions—lively, passionate, and, if I'm honest, sometimes downright ugly.
It wasn’t just personality. We went into marriage with no premarital counseling, no preparation, and a weak understanding of how the gospel shapes relationships. We knew Jesus saved us, but we didn’t know He could change how we fought. So, we fought to win—never to submit, never to prefer the other, never to glorify God. Winning was the goal.
But here’s the hard truth: when pride is in the driver’s seat, every win is actually a loss.
The Pride That Fuels Our Conflicts
James 4:1-3 asks a brutal question: “What causes quarrels and fights among you?” Then he answers: “Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?”
Pride is the root of our conflicts. We assume our biggest relational problems come from external pressures—what others say, what they do, what they withhold from us. But James says the real war isn’t out there; it’s inside us.
Tim Keller once said, “The biggest problem in your marriage is not your spouse; it’s the one looking back at you in the mirror.” This applies to all relationships, not just marriage. We quarrel because we want things we don’t have. Maybe it’s respect. Maybe it’s control. Maybe it’s just the satisfaction of being right. And when we don’t get it, we react. Some of us fight loud and aggressively. Others withdraw and punish silently. But it all comes from the same place: a restless, prideful heart demanding its way.
Pride’s Many Faces
We often think of pride as arrogance—chest puffed out, looking down on others. But pride has many faces.
- Greed says, “I deserve more.”
- Lust says, “My desires matter more than holiness.”
- Envy says, “I should have what they have.”
- Anger says, “I am too important to be treated this way.”
- Unforgiveness says, “I will not let go because I am right.”
- Insecurity says, “I am not good enough.”
Every one of these is rooted in pride. Every one of these fuels relational destruction.
C.S. Lewis called pride “the complete anti-God state of mind.” It’s the sin that led Adam and Eve to grasp for autonomy, and the sin that fuels every broken relationship today. Pride blinds us to our own faults, making us critical of others while excusing ourselves. I think we all knew this already.
The Humility That Heals
So how do we fight differently? How do we turn from winning in pride to thriving in humility?
James 4:6 gives us the answer: “But he gives more grace.”
The gospel flips the script. Jesus didn’t win by crushing His enemies—He won by laying down His life. He didn’t come to demand service but to serve (Mark 10:45). The moment we stop fighting to be right and start fighting to love, relationships begin to heal.
Tim Keller describes humility not as thinking less of yourself but as thinking of yourself less. Gospel-shaped humility isn’t self-loathing; it’s self-forgetfulness. When we embrace this kind of humility, pride loses its power. Instead of “Me first, you second,” it becomes, “You first, me second.”
And when humility appears, pride loses its ammunition. The fight evaporates. God is glorified. And the relationship wins.
Winning isn’t about proving a point. It’s about reflecting Jesus.